I hate multi-tipped pens. You know which ones I mean. The big fatty pens that have the little buttons on the top. Push down the red button for the red pen, the blue button for the blue pen, the black button for the black pen, and the green (who ever needs to write with green anyway?) button for the green pen. I used to have a sparkly purple one in elementary school. I was really excited about it until I used it for about a week and all of the black ran out. Then I switched to the blue mode until all of the blue ran out, which left me with a big fat pen that took up a lot of space but only wrote red and green. It wasn’t Christmas.

I am sure these were a woman’s idea. Women are the queens of multi-tasking. We’re good at paying bills while dinner cooks while rocking the baby while talking on the phone while our hair dries.  God made us that way. Men are the thorough ones, who do one thing at a time until it is all finished, and then move on to something else. Men are more of your standard BIC office pen. If he’s a fancy man, he might be a gel pen with a rubber grip. Have you ever tried to talk to a man on the phone while he is doing something else? It’s like talking to someone on the moon, with a 6 second space delay.

WOMAN (paying bills while dinner cooks while rocking the baby while talking on the phone while her hair dries): “Hey- how was your day?”
MAN: “Uh….Good…”
W: “What did you do?
M: “Well… (shuffling, video game noises, mouse clicking, etc. etc.).. I …uh…..(to someone else in the room: “DUDE! man! sweet!”)..went to, uh…..”
W: “Should I call back later?”
M: “…went to  (shuffling, ESPN, more mouse clicking ) that place over on, uh…you know…uh…”

I realize that this is all a generalization. There are lots of men who are good multitaskers, and lots of women who are bad ones. But my point is that women by and large are the multitasking ones. Which is good if you need a lot of things done, but not as good if you need a lot of things done well. Because just like those fatty pens, there is only so much ink they can fit in there- and it is never as much as your standard BIC pen. The ink isn’t nearly as smooth either, and sometimes the different buttons get jammed down- especially when you are in a hurry to write something. It’s like the difference between a personal chef and a lunchroom worker. A personal chef can focus his or her whole day on creating a gourmet meal for Kimora-Lee Simmons Whoeversheisnow and her kiddies. It’s delicious. It’s perfection. A lunchroom worker has to prepare food for hundreds of children for under 25¢ a person, while taking up money, cleaning the place, and avoiding getting Swine Flu. Yes, the food fills an empty belly, but perfection it is  not. Multitasking makes quality suffer, just like I suffered when the black ink in my sparkly purple pen ran dry.

Lately, I have been struggling with worrying I am going to be just like one of those pens. Now that I think about it, I have always been one of those pens. I have always multitasked. For example, my senior year of  high school I was Senior Class President, was the lead in a bunch of musicals, was President of the French Club, and worked as a lifeguard, on top of being an honors program high school student. Why? Because I wanted to get a scholarship, so I could focus on my studies and not worry about money so much. It didn’t work. So when my senior year of college rolled around, I found myself working three part time jobs and taking 21 hours of school so that I could get out of school and not be in so much debt. It didn’t work. So now that I’m married and Butterbean is on her way, I am going to be working from home full time, taking care of a baby, and managing a household. Why? So we can afford to live, and to pay off the debt I incurred while multi-tasking. None of this makes sense. The black part of my pen is all used up. Now I’m on to the blue part, but when Butterbean gets here, am I going to have anything left to give her except the red and green of Christmas?

I blame the feminists. Before you call Gloria Steinem on me, and have her write me a dirty letter in all four colors of her multi-tipped pen, let me say that feminists have done a lot of good for womankind. We can vote, go to college, and pick basically any profession we want because of their efforts. For that, I am thankful. But the price you pay for equality is pretty steep when children become involved. Since so many women work outside the home now, the cost of living has increased dramatically. Since the cost of living has increased, families that don’t make a boatload of money (like us and the rest of our friends) have the choice of either both parties working, or applying for government aid because a box of cheerios is $4.00 and our house is WAY overpriced because of inflation. I’m not an expert, but I think that if more women had stayed out of the workforce, the average household income would be lower, which would keep prices down. It’s just a guess. It like the discrimination has gone from one side of the spectrum to another. Back in the day, women couldn’t work because they weren’t allowed to. Now, women who want to stay home with their kids can’t, because they can’t afford to. Which is no big deal if you are one of those women who don’t want to stay home, but is a big deal if you do. We lovers of stay at home motherhood should stage a protest and burn our nursing bras.

Even Gloria Steinem can’t deny that babies need their moms. She needed her mom. Newborn babies don’t care if you have a PhD in astrophysics and a $500K a year job or a 9th grade education- they just need some breastmilk. Breastmilk is one area where men and women can never be equal. No matter how hard they try, and how bad the women want it to be, a man’s boobs can’t make milk. And even if they did, would you want to drink it? I imagine male breastmilk to taste like a mixture of cheese curls, beef jerky, and sweaty socks. And yes, there is the availability of formula if you don’t make breastmilk and daycare centers if you aren’t “lucky” like me and can work from home, but I don’t think you will find too many people who will tell you that option is better than being at home with your children to nurture them yourself. Hiring someone else to raise your children is the only option some people have, and that is fine, but even they would agree that it isn’t the best.

So and So here I am, a big fat multi-tipped pen, longing for the simplicity of a  black BIC. Actually I want be a little more fancy and be a gel pen with a rubber grip. Then I can write Gloria a nice reply letter, while I feed the baby, cook dinner, wash clothes, and talk on the phone.