R O Y A L L Y A V E R A G E

Lady So and So

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A quiet war had been raging in the Bethea household for a few months. Under the roof of a seemingly normal mid-century ranch style, on a peaceful tree-lined street, an epic battle had been waging where blood was spilled, tears were shed, and the sanity of one young mother hung in balance like a spider on Jonathan Edwards’ fireplace mantel. Someone has replaced my pink little ball of sleeping baby with a speed addict after a venti triple shot. And I wanted vengeance. I guess it all started around Christmas time. The holidays were busy for everyone, so when Eloise…

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So I’ve been a mom for about a month. I have been thinking periodically about what I wanted to say about motherhood first, because there is so much to say and not enough time or words to say it all. Here’s what I’ve got first: I am a slightly different person than I was a month ago. My personality is the same, my basic philosophy on life is the same, but the focus of my time and energy is different. I used to spend a lot of time thinking about what I was going to do with my life- what…

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A week ago today, I had a baby With no drugs. At my house. In a birthing pool. It was wonderful. I had known for the past nine months or so that this would happen, what with the puking early on, the weight gain, and the fact that my midsection had been replaced with a beach ball. People had given us parties, we had made a nursery in our house, and I had spent countless hours researching what to do with a baby and how to raise one. By the end of things, I couldn’t walk without a waddle, sleep…

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Now I am finally on maternity leave and have time to sit and write my thoughts on things before my job changes from graphic designer to functional human designer. Before I make the venture into human designer, I made a stop over in the world of interior design and tried to create a room for our baby girl. It is hard to decorate a room for someone I don’t know yet, so the next best thing is to make a room that I feel like embodies all I know about her so far- that she is a combination of Chris…

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So it just occurred to me that my last post was a little bit whiny. I read it, and although I meant what I said, I forgot to “temper my speech with grace” and point out the good things too. Sort of like a loaf of bread without the yeast to make it light and fluffy. I could have just deleted the old one and typed the new one, but I felt like that was hypocritical. I said what I said, and now I need to re-say it. I don’t like to whine, and I am going to try to…

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Someone asked me last night how long I had before Eloise was to be born. I couldn’t really do the math (I don’t know which is worse- the fact that I didn’t know what day it was, or that I couldn’t calculate the passage of time between date A and date B), so I quickly downloaded the “What to Expect When you’re Expecting” iPhone App. It’s a handy little tool that tells you all sorts of things from how big the baby currently is, to what she is doing, to what you should feel like. So I typed in my…

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I need to show you all something that I think will give you a little insight into myself. This is a picture from my Elementary School Brownie Troupe. Take note of all of the different types of first and second grade little girls. There are some little girls who are perfectly coiffed, some who forgot their uniform on picture day, only half are even looking at the camera, some who are clowning around in the back row, and then there is one little girl on the left hand side of the front row who is a little hard to classify.…

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Naming a human you don’t know is probably one of the hardest things I have ever tried to do. Some people, when you meet them, instantly seem like a certain name. Chris is especially good at figuring this out about people. We play that game sometimes when we are out and about. We’ll see people and try to guess what their name is. For example: This guy’s name is Chuck or Randy. Here’s Betty and Roger. Tami. And she always puts a heart over the i. You get the idea. But how do you name someone who you have never…

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There are certain indisputable facts of life: 1. People get older. 2. Dogs lick themselves in really awkward places. 3. Going to any Wal-Mart on a Saturday afternoon will result in an encounter with at least two beings that could be extra-terrestrials. 4. Pregnant women gain weight. I have, as of late, been feeling the full effects of number 4. (Number 3 is no longer a problem for me, because I refuse to go to Wal-Mart on Saturdays for ANY reason since the obese man with no shirt and overalls asked me to help him find his missing overall strap.)…

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I hate multi-tipped pens. You know which ones I mean. The big fatty pens that have the little buttons on the top. Push down the red button for the red pen, the blue button for the blue pen, the black button for the black pen, and the green (who ever needs to write with green anyway?) button for the green pen. I used to have a sparkly purple one in elementary school. I was really excited about it until I used it for about a week and all of the black ran out. Then I switched to the blue mode…

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