This Christmas Eve was one for the ages. We all gathered around the Christmas tree which contained in its branches a tiny white envelope. On the envelope was scribbled:

TO: MY NEW FAMILY
LOVE: BUTTERBEAN

It had been in our possession since  we left the doctor’s office after our last ultrasound, and now the time had come for us to open the contents in front of our family. I had worked hard the night before the ultrasound to prepare a cute little card so the grumpy ultrasound tech we usually have wouldn’t have to actually write on a sheet of paper what the sex of our child is- she could just circle it.

On the outside of the card, I made a baby in a manger out of construction paper and wrote above it: FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN… and on the inside of the card I wrote FOR UNTO US A SON or DAUGHTER IS GIVEN. We were expecting the ultrasound tech to just circle which one we are having- either a son or daughter.

So after dinner on Christmas Eve, my family and Chris’ family all gathered around the tree for the big reveal. I didn’t want to read the card- I wanted to be told instead of telling everyone else. So I made Chris do it. We had those who couldn’t be there that night either on the phone or on video chat, and after collecting everyone together, Chris took the envelope off of the tree and started to open it.

It was then that I started to get nervous. I had not really thought much about it before this moment, because I knew there was no turing back no matter the sex of the child. So everyone held their breaths as he tore the seal. He read the card as it was written:

FOR UNTO US A CHILD IS BORN…

Then he opened the card.

Silence.

More Silence.

I was about to wet myself.

I said, “What is it??”

He looked at me and said, “She didn’t circle anything!!!”

My fears had come true. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I had known that the grumpy ultrasound tech had not listened to any of our instructions as we handed her the card. I reached out to take the uncircled card from Chris, sure that my faith i mankind was rightfully shaken, when I noticed something else in his hand.

I said, “Wait- she put something else in there- read that!!!” Chris looked down at two crumpled ultrasound pictures in his hand.

Silence.

More Silence.

Then he said, “IT’S A….. (this is where time felt like it slowed down) GGGGGIIIIIRRRRLLLLL!!!”

Everyone gasped. Mom yelled. Jenny cried. I sat there with my mouth open. I think  I finally managed to squeak out, “Are you SERIOUS?!?!? A Girl?!?!?” I grabbed the papers out of his hand, because I knew there must have been some mistake. I studied the pictures, and sure enough there was an outline of a tiny rump, legs, and feet, with nothing between those legs except the word GIRL!!! that the ultrasound tech must have typed.

I can’t explain to you how I felt. I guess that seems appropriate for this whole incident, because I haven’t really been able to quantify my feelings throughout this whole process. I REALLY thought I was having a boy. We had already chosen the perfect boy name. Even since I found out I was pregnant (see earlier posts) the shortened form of Butterbean was “his” and “him”- never a her. I would sometimes throw an “or her” on the end just to sound fair, but I never believed for an instant that the baby could actually be  girl. Again, I have my faulty women’s intuition to thank.

So we’re having a little girl. Having a baby was unexpected enough, but now that this baby is a girl, I feel like I have lost a hold on all forms of expectations of what this could be like. Having a girl makes me a little nervous. I had a baby brother growing up. Chris did too. I can handle little boys. Girls make me nervous. They are uncharted territory for most of the members of the Bethea clan. It’s not that I’m disappointed or would rather have a boy- I am perfectly happy with a girl- I just don’t know what I am going to do with her.

Chris and I spent most of the night talking about girl names, and tu-tus and baby dolls, and other things that seem a little foreign to me. For the record, girl names are very difficult to agree on. Other friends who are having girls have mentioned this as well. We looked through over 1000 names that night and only found two or three that either of us even liked, and none that we could agree on.

So, just as I thought I had gotten comfortable with the idea of having a baby, I am now back to feeling very unsure about the whole thing. So yet again, I am forced to trust God when things don’t exactly go exactly as I had planned. So and So be it.