Written October 8, 2009
Today could have been an extremely momentous day for womankind. I could have defied all biological knowledge and forged a path to recreating the human race by exponential factors never before seen. I could have singlehandedly produced a baseball team, a set of Supreme Court Justices, or the less-skilled white version of the Harlem Globetrotters. I could have. But instead, I listened to the heartbeat of the one tiny baby that lives inside of me. Just one. By itself.
And at 164 beats a minute, that little techno kick drum could have not been a more beautiful sound. With my pants pulled down around my knees, and my stomach covered in goo, Chris and I looked into a computer screen and saw the first fleeting glimpses of pixelated blob that will be our firstborn. I can’t even explain how miraculous it all seems. But if I am going to be completely honest with myself (which I seem to do all too often), I have to say that I am a little disappointed. Not in the baby, which will hereafter be known as Butterbean. No, I’m just about as pleased with little Butterbean as I possibly could be. I am disappointed in my lack of women’s intuition.
Now the theory of women’s intuition has always mystified me. I never really thought I had any, because I never really thought about having any. I didn’t see myself as a woman. Up until a few weeks ago, I still thought of myself as a 16 year old, who will wake up any minute and be late for first period. So now that I am with child, it is finally occurring to me that I am no longer 16, but in fact a 25 year old woman, capable of reproduction. So naturally, since I am so womanly all of a sudden, I figured that my women’s intuition would have finally grown in, like an invisible set of wisdom teeth.
If you recall last post, before I knew that there was only one baby, I was certain there were two babies inside of me. So certain that I told everyone about it and even wrote it down and published my certainty for the world to see. I knew it was true, because my woman’s intuition told me so. It’s never wrong. Women’s Intuition has been responsible for knowing the secrets of the universe. It’s fool proof.
“How did you know your child had gotten trapped under a circus elephant?”
“My intuition told me”.
“How did you know you would find Billy’s weed stash in his sock drawer?”
“Oh, I don’t know, women’s intuition.”
“Ma’am, why did you punch him in the face?’
“My woman’s intuition told me he was a dirty liar”.
“So Laura, what makes you think you are having more than one baby?”
“My woman’s intuition.”
“But you’re only having one.”
“Oh really? Hmm….”
Where was I when they were passing that stuff out? Why did I think I had it but clearly I don’t? Can you develop it over time or if you miss it once, you never have it? Does that mean that my kids are all going to lying, pot smoking hooligans, who sneak out and night and get trapped under circus elephants, all because I don’t have the intuition to know what’s going on with them?
Well, at least I will have only one to worry about for now. Little Butterbean. Check out our first family photo.